my song

I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, aisle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave.

Can't remember, what went wrong last September
Though I'm sure that you'd remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in

I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
they throw me, high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, say

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back.

Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt

i don't wanna be a drag.. and i don't like bothering people with my problems... but today i want to breakdown... i was a jerk... i am an asshole... i am a pusher... i push everyone away... including the man that i love... i made him feel worthless because i was too proud to need anybody...

i was always putting up a front. shutting people out. acting like i don't need anybody...
ganito ako kasi i am afraid to let anybody in coz they might hurt me... i have been indifferent to the people surrounding me...

now we're parting ways... and he found someone who's making him feel he's worth something... it's all my fault.. i guess I'm bound to be miserable for the rest of my stinking life... i treated him like crap and now i feel like crap... it feels like somebody punched you in the stomach... this is my first heartbreak... i don't think i can go through all of these again... my heart is not designed for this shit...

i wish you the best... i guess...

I've been psycho analyzing myself and i figured something out... i realized na masyado akong matiisin na tao...

5 years ako sa college... i have no choice... walang perang pampaaral ang mga magulang ko buti na lang at nag offer ang uncle ko na sasagutin ang pag-aaral ko... hindi na ko nag isip... walang ibang choice kundi sa BSU... para hindi masyadong mabigat... anong course? hindi ko alam... bahala na... kung anong matapatan ng ballpen... ECE... pwede na yan.... makatapos lang at makaalis na sa impyernong ito... limang taon... five miserable years... pero tiniis ko yun...

5 years sa company... crappy job with crappy crappy salary... pero hindi ako makaalis kasi iniisip ko mas maganda na 'to di ba? kesa wala...

9 years relationship... i've got major issues na alam kong kailangan ko munang i resolve sa sarili ko... pero i stayed kasi na fi feel ko na kailangan niya ako... kahit ako yung nalulunod at higit na nangangailangan ng tulong ako pa rin yung nagpapakatatag... pero what if ayaw ko na talaga? hindi ako matigas... hindi ko panghihinayangan itapon ang 9 year relationship kung alam kong wala ng patutunguan diba? hindi ko ipipilit... pero 9 years? what was i thinking? sobrang matiisin talaga ako...

i heard from someone na ang issue ay hindi ang pagiging matiisin kundi ang fear na umalis ka sa comfort zone mo... i stayed because i am comfortable sa aking "comfort zone" and i need to figure out a way para lumabas dun...

i didn't write this blog for y'all to judge me.... please just bear with me...